Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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