I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
