I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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