I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
