I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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