I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
