I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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