why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
