No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
