you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I miss vodka workout Fridays
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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