booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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