Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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