these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
