apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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