i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
