U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
