butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
