Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
