definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
