Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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