so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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