if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
