well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
