Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
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