I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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