mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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