Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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