I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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