omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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