A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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