that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
