heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
