everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
