god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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