I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I did not marry a roomba.
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