So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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