life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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