i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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