I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
