Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
