Can Purell be used as lube?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Randomize
