Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
no, he came in my armpit
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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