rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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