went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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