i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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