So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Sext me about skeletons
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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