I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
