At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
