So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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