Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
